♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
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What I would give to go back to being a child, where my biggest problem was I couldn�t find my favourite crayon colour. Or heaven forbid the worst thing that could happen was I had to spend the day by myself because there was no one to play with.
Adulthood sucks.
J and I are moving out next week. I am stepping into a new game and will be cohabiting with my boyfriend for the first time. I am really nervous, I have always lived at home. There is the comfort of living at home, having space and someone to talk to. J is so needy in ways. He always wants to be close. I can�t drive without him wanting to put his hand on my thigh. The thought of me sitting on another couch to watch television saddens him. What am I going to do when we are put into 850 sf and told to play nice? Outside of my neurosis, I am excited. The independence and freedom to spread my wings and establish myself as an adult is thrilling. But the little Val who lives in my head and counters the optimistic thoughts is constantly rambling, and she�s driving me crazy.
I remember when I started my most recent job, it was complex, overwhelming and made me cry, but I loved it. I loved coming and sleuthing on the internet, finding facts about people and projects. Talking to all sorts of interesting people and learning a bit about the scientific community. I hate my job. I detest it, at least most days. My Manager has returned from maternity leave and has taken on the role of micromanager of staff, but doesn�t work herself. She spends hours and hours discussing her children and talking to her husband on the phone. When she does do something, it is fixing something that does not need to be fixed. I am interviewing students today for a work position. I was very happy with the work I did, finding relevant questions, prioritizing which had to be asked in what order. I come to work today and she has completely changed my document, my questions. I received it by email, but I feel like I got a pat on the head saying �good job, nice try�. The worst part is I have spent the last year of my life dedicating myself to this position. I made so much of myself in one year. I had the privilege of working by myself and finding my own opportunities. Now that she is back, those opportunities have been taken away completely and I am left with a shell of who I was. The worst part is she doesn�t see what she is doing to me. She thinks she is mentoring me. Guiding me to being a better employee. I just want to tell her to politely, or maybe not, go fuck herself. Sit on her thumb and rotate. Outside of her, I am getting shut down by other departments who do not want to take on our projects. The other side of my portfolio, finding and funding projects, is sitting at a dismal amount, maybe 5% of my annual target. I�m through first quarter and have no viable projects. I feel like last year I was thrown to the wolves and I beat them all off with a stick made of sand. This year I am �protected� and being �given opportunities that suite my position� and I am drowning.
4:47 p.m. - 2011-08-26
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