♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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Colourblind- Counting Crows

I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am...fine
I am.... fine
I am fine

It's so simple, and it's so beautiful. I love the melodic piano playing in the background. It's one of those songs that if I listen to at the wrong time I could start crying my eyes out. I'm not sure why, it's just always been that way with this particular song.

So I've started to see a psychiatrist, my doctor said I should so I could talk about my anti-depressant dosages. It definately has spiraled from there. I have told her about the taxi driver, I have told her about Johnny. I have started to tell her everything and it just keeps pouring out of me. I'm not sure if having said it out loud makes me feel more 'normal' or if it shows that I am different from other people. I don't know which one I want it to be either.
Anyway, she has decided to try me on some ADHD medication to get me more focused and less random (so to speak). I start it tomorrow morning, I'm fairly excited to try it because I want to see the difference in me. She said it should help me stay more focused and better organized. I should be able to see the effects of it right away so I guess I can write about it right away.

I think I'm ready.
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am ready I am... fine.

Less than a week to go until my 2 year anniversary with J. I am really excited. It's two years! I made it! I've fucked up royally, but so has he. In two totally different ways. I am so happy that I'm with HIM. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I just have changed so much in the time I've been with him. I see him laying and I go lay myself right on top of him and put my head in that little spot, right between his head and shoulder and I can stay there for ever. I know that it's strange that I just crawl up on him and lay there, but it makes me happy. And now he likes it too, he tells me to do that if I haven't for awhile.

There is one thing that I don't like though, sometimes while we're having sex he just looks at me really intensly and says that I'm the only one for him. That scares me so much. I don't want him to be the last for me! I still have the feeling of "permiscuity" sometimes though I don't act on it. I want to push him away and say "NO! And stop looking at me like that!" The looks he gives me doesn't even look like him, it's different... like he's possessed. Maybe it's poltergeist. I know that I should be excited that I'm the only one for him right now, but that thought scares the shit out of me.

Today I had an interview for a Coordinator position where I am at now... I didn't feel the synergy in the interview though, which makes me think I am not going to get the job. I feel like if I had nailed the interview I would have walked away feeling better than I do right now. I guess I'm happy where I am, but I would like to move up.

enough for now... I'm blowing this popsicle stand.

4:57 p.m. - 2008-10-16

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