♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
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all of the dynamics of my relationships have changed due to my relationship with J. in some ways it is a good change. he keeps me on an even keel with some situations. motivates me to be healthy and makes me realize that i am an attractive person.
however, i've lost my relationship with too many people now. i hate to say this... but i logged into his email account. i never thought i would do that. there was an argument between him and one of my before close friends, and they emailed their problems and reconciliations to eachother. i recently found out J's passwords and i did it.
i wish i hadn't. not because of the invasion of privacy to be honest. but because of what was written in the email.
i'm the problem with one of my best relationships. dre doesn't want to be near me because of j, doesn't interact with me, and we don't have the same relationship anymore. we used to play fight a lot and since i started dating j 7 months ago, he hasn't wanted to have that relationship with me. where i never changed the way i acted around him. while he stopped phoning with a reason, i continued contact thinking nothing was wrong.
my personality is one of love and compassion where i interact freely with those i care about. and that does mean a certain amount of touching, hugs etc. i was so oblivious to think that maybe my personality was making people uncomfortable.
i hate thinking that i am the problem though. i'm that middle ingredient that screamed disaster.
i don't know where i'm going with this. i feel like there has been a certain amount of pressure of me to change who i am because of J. that my outgoing personality is too much for him to handle, and instead of him also bending, i have to bend a lot. not only that, my friends don't want to interact with me the same way and that hurts. a lot. maybe i'm over-reacting. probably. i just feel like i'm this huge mess, a problem, and that all of this started because i'm over zealous.
5:32 p.m. - 2007-05-12
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