♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
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Things people think about me...
I am strong, compassionate, adventurous, empathetic, willing, and enthusiastic. I am content being single, and a hard worker. I can play sports, paint, cook, and play the piano well. I am not judgmental, regretful, unsound or depressed.
The things people don't know about me...
I am vengeful, sarcastic, menacing and fearful. I want to get married, have a child of my own, and could even be a housewife. I wish I could teach myself a new instrument, and I wish I could draw better. I can't fill easter eggs with chocolate and I take two different types of anti-depressants.
Last night I was watching re-runs of Nip Tuck, and there was an episode where Sean discovered that Megan has cancer. Instead of suffering, she takes a bunch of pills, puts a bag over her head and kills herself. Something came over me, and I just started crying, I couldn't stop. As I looked out the window, over looking all of Vancouver, I couldn't help but feel alone. Who would miss me in the way that Sean missed Megan? No one would say I made them a better person, or a stronger person.
Later, in another episode, Christian finds out that he is going to have a child. His girlfriend moves in with him, and while they're laying in bed, the fetus starts kicking. Christian lays his hand on her stomach and for the first time, he feels his baby kick. Though this is not real, the actors are so fantastic that you actually think this is the first time an actor has felt a baby kicking. Once again, I start crying my eyes out. Thinking about the child I would secretly love to have, to experience all that is motherhood.
Then I am reminded, don't you need to be with someone to have a child? I remember that I am all alone. That I have put up so many walls around me, that I have kept my heart so guarded that no one dares to penetrate them any longer. I know, I know, I am too young to be longing for these things. Most of my friends don't even think about the next year to come, and I am thinking RSP's and apartments.
I couldn't sleep last night, I tossed and turned, I woke up, and everytime I rolled over, I was reminded that there was no one there with me. There are times when I am hit with so much fear, I just curl up into the smallest ball I can, like I am trying to run from it. However, it is like trying to run from your shadow, everytime you turn your head, it's still there, unless you go into the dark, in which case it is dark and scary. Of course, even in my dreams, it is always Mark who pulls me out of it. So I don't need to run away any more, so I have the confidence to deal with the issue head on. It is like he restores my faith.
10:25 a.m. - 2006-04-10
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