♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
now comes that feeling of self-doubt. that feeling that doesn't go away until it is eith confirmed or denied. now comes that feeling of self-hatred. when i think to myself, oh dear god,why did i do this.
what am i talking about? the fact that last week i allowed myself to lower my guard and i had sex with steve.
now, we've hardly talked with eachother, and i wonder if it's always been this way, or if i'm just more aware of it now. i feel like if i talked to steve, or more so, if steve got ahold of me and said something remotely positive, this feeling of being a used object would go away. either that, he could make me feel like shit and then i could deal with it frm there.
why do i feel like i hate myself at this moment? for so many different reasons i don't even know where to start. i feel like i let myself down, i told myself this wasn't going happen to me since the whole jesse catasrophe. i dropped out of college, i'm losing myfriends due to a lack of motivation to keep in touch. and on top of it, this obsession with losing weight is taking it's toll on my body.
i admit it, i think i have an eating disorder. it's funny, when i first started trying to drop a couple pounds i tried to get into an anorexics mentality to lose weight, and i've since discovered that i've always had that mentality. i just needed to be independent enough to do it. i just need enough time alone so no one realizes how little i'm eating. it scares me. i'm wearing a skirt that once almost didn't fit, and now i have a safety pin in it so it doesn't fall down on me.
hopefully some of these insecurities will go away as i settle into my new job and as things start to come together. at this moment though, i'm absolutely terrified of what i'm becoming.
1:59 p.m. - 2005-12-17
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|
|
|
|
|
|
