♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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Draft 1

I...

You've become a bit of a fantasy. I can remind myself of your ordinariness since I can view your photo online. In my mind however, your features are darker. They are sharper. Then I see your face and I remind myself that you are an ordinary man. A nice man. But nothing extraordinary. And then I find myself wondering why I am preoccupying myself thinking of such a normal man.

In the past I have been able to pinpoint the reasons for my lust. Whether it is sheer sexiness, the risk, the "bad-boy" factor, the success. It's always been apparent.

I think that is what actually scares me the most about this situation.

I find myself constantly thinking about a nice man. Someone who wants to run his business, have a beer, make friends, jog, go cycling... Maybe go skiing. I don't know when I became attracted to mediocrity.

Not that I am deserving of anything better, but we an all aspire for more, can't we?

I know that when I return I will be further breaking your heart. When I said I needed time, that was a lie. I know that I will still be with J. That nothing will have changed in our relationship, because in reality, there are not the troubles that I told you there were. There is nothing to mull over. So I considered writing you a letter. A letter to tell you that I will remain faithful in my relationship (outside of the fantasies of my mind).

In my letter I would tell you that I am not leaving J. That after so many years there is too much at risk. That I hope you understand but that I want to be selfish and visit you when I am next in Stali Grad. That I hope we can stay in touch.

Would I tell you my name? Would I tell you how we can stay in touch? Or would it be anonymous and unfair? The fact that I already have the upper hand and can contact you causes a power imbalance. And in the end, that is a really shitty thing for me to do. As I keep saying, you are a nice man and deserving of so much more than anything I can give you.

Draft 1:

I...

I am home now. The remainder of the trip was very fun, but all things must come to an end, and I must return to work.

I... I want to tell you my intentions right away. So that if you wish to stop reading, you know what kind of person that I am. I wasn't lying when I said that meeting you was the best part of my trip. I think back to that night... I smiled and laughed in a way I hadn't in a very long time.You are an incredibly kind man, funny, and handsome. But I have to ask myself, how much of what I felt was because I was on vacation? I could afford to let myself guard down, relax and feel. Because I know that SG is not my home... In a way it was a fantasy.

To that end, I have thought very hard and know that I will not leave J. We have been together for many years, and it is hard to leave someone. The heart is a complicated thing, and I know that in my heart I still love him, despite our problems.


Fuck fuck fuck I'm a selfish cow. How can I start a letter like that? Jesus. I'm going to get to draft #55 before I pen anything that could actually be sent. That is, if I ever actually send the letter.

5:34 p.m. - 2016-04-24

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