♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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I...

I want to hear you say my name again. Not many people call me by my full name, and not with such a lovely accent. The way you said it made me feel like royalty from the time of European monarchies. It flowed like ripples of water going down stream. The notes being carried off to some far away place.

But therein lies part of the problem. You swept me away while my guard was down. Plied me with your foreign language, making it sound seductive. Would it have worked as well had we met somewhere else? At a different time? Or would you have been some nice man, standing in the corner and faded into the distance?

I believe your feelings would remain the same. Mine? We have an expression in English... Women like me eat men like you for breakfast. Your sweetness is what attracts us... But it never lasts long. I cannot help but feel that given time, my memories will remain fond, but you will set into the sun. I hope that when you do go, you continue to hold that piece of my heart, so that I know it will always remain cared for and safe.

That is selfish to say, but there is the second problem. I already know your endgame. You want commitment, you want a family. If you had it your way, we'd live together from the beginning. Marriage and babies within the first year. Maybe I would come to your work with the children, but maybe not since it is your place of work. I'm not that woman. I manage people, companies, I want to make money, be independent. Travel and retire early. I don't relish the idea of family. I don't even mind the concept of capitalism because I want it all myself. Your notion of tradition is lost on me. And for those reasons, there are only these endings:
1. I hate myself for becoming "that woman"
2. You hate me for not becoming "that woman"
3. You say my ideals are satisfactory, and you come to hate me for not giving you what you really want. But being the man that you are, you'd stay by my side but silently resent me. Your family would resent me. Your friends. And I would remain isolated in a strange place with no prospects for work or friendship. I would eventually leave. And everyone would celebrate the fact that I was gone, and you would always remember the woman who first entered your bar.

I can sense it already. My discontent in your world. I need to harness this feeling so I can ride it into the distance. Not look back and continue to look forward. I need to leave you behind so my own world isn't jeopardized. I hope one day you will understand.

10:24 a.m. - 2016-04-19

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