♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a short chat Last night I started to tell J about the problems I have been having. He came home from having dinner and I could see the "I want you in bed NOW" look. I had just finished dinner myself and said later when I'm done eating. He probably knew then. But after changing over the laundry and putting on fresh sheets he immediately tackled me and was in the mood. Here's me trying to squirm out from underneath him without saying a word. Finally he got the point and sincerely asked me what was wrong. We ended up laying on the bed for about an hour talking about some things. It was really me glossing over a lot of things, but I told him how tired I am lately - which is the truth - and how sometimes by the end of the day I don't feel like I have much to give. There is a lot of truth to that. I feel so tired some days when I come home from work that I can hardly be bothered to make dinner. Some nights I don't. I'll have a small bowl of croutons and a glass of juice. Don't judge me on the croutons, I love them dearly as a snack and on the odd occasion, dinner. That I am so tired, or overwhelmed or so something, that I don't have an appetite and that I do forget to eat my lunch. I look up at 2 or 3pm and realize I haven't had lunch. By 3pm, I feel there is no point in having a sandwich because I am going to go home soon and have dinner. Maybe I am suffering from malnutrition and that is contributing to my fatigue. I have started taking vitamins again, and I am starting to feel a bit more energetic. In addition, I am trying to get off the quetiapine for sleep and start taking Valerian root instead. I think the pills make me a zombie in the morning. Somewhere in this conversation J asked me if I was still attracted to him, or if any of this was his fault. Again, there was truth in my answer, but I didn't want to make him feel like complete shit. I told him that I am always attracted to him. He's incredibly handsome. Was I starting to lose some of that attraction when he gained all the weight... well, yes. I said this month he has been trying really hard to stop smoking pot, cut down on drinking and stop eating fast-food, and it shows. It does. There has been a couple pounds come off I think. I said that I had tried to bring up the weight gain in a way that wasn't going to offend him. But men are thick, they don't get subtlety. So when it was me really saying "look buddy, you're packing on the pounds and that shit ain't attractive to me" he heard "You're cuddly". We talked about how his constant job changes and lack of motivation was wearing on me. I said I couldn't imagine having to go through so many jobs in one year and that it must have been incredibly stressful, but it was also hard for me to watch. And to go through it with him. When we first met he at least faked his confidence. But now he has lost the real and fake confidence, and he hasn't grown up at all. And last night I think he realized that immaturity and low self-esteem isn't attractive. I think it was in my last post that I mentioned I missed being stimulated by someone intellectually. I didn't tell him that, but I hope that we can get him back to that point. In the end, he said he was going to start being more supportive of me. It's already a little overwhelming. Nice. But overwhelming. I woke up, he had made me a sandwich for lunch and gave me fruit. At 10;30 he sent me a text saying he was the nutrition police and wanted to make sure I had ate something. At 1:00 he sent another saying it was time to eat my sandwich and again at 1:30 to follow up on my eating progress. If only he knew if takes me about 45 minutes to get through a sandwich at work. I graze more than I chow down. I hope this marks a change in our relationship. We have been on a steady road to this point and I worry things won't change. I feel like I am progressing. I really do think I am going somewhere. It's very strange coming home and not sharing where I am going with the person I am supposed to share my life with. We don't take about career growth, change or the future. We talk about the future as in the grand things we want, but not how we'll get there. I have a plan, a loose plan, but I do have a plan. And I feel like every time I progress and take the next step, it is a surprise to him because we don't communicate. Anyway... that is the gist of the chat we had. In a way I look at it like how I look at my possible promotion. I won't really believe it's going to happen until I receive my first two paycheques. Until there is a change that can be measured somehow, I am still skeptical of the outcome. 5:12 p.m. - 2013-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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