♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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a rant of the current situation

This year has been fucked so far. Yep, 28 years old and that is still how I am describing my life. Fucked. Simply and utterly fucked. Maybe not so much my life, but my mind.

J's mom passed away on January 13. It was a horrible night that I wish I could forget. The two of us had spend a lovely day together, in fact, I had called in sick to work that day so we could spend some more time together. We went to Pilates class and then came home to make some dinner. The buzzer for our apt went off, but we ignored it because it doesn't work properly, and plus, we were making dinner. Finally at about 10, the buzzer sounded again and J went downstairs to make sure everything was okay. Then everything changed.

He came upstairs with two cops. We both thought he was getting arrested despite the fact that we both knew he hadn't done anything wrong. The cops came inside and with a hesitant breath one told us that they had come to our apartment to tell us that his mom had died in her home.

It has been nearly two months. I am doing okay. J misses her terribly. So do I. Sometimes when I am driving she suddenly pops into my mind and I just want to start crying. Or I can here her voice. She would always say "that's okay sweetie." Didn't matter if I was putting her on hold or if we were making plans. It was always the same. Her optimism that everything was going to work out okay absolutely infuriated me. That everything would just fall into place. I grew with a dad who told me I had to work hard for everything and that it wouldn't just fall into my lap. And now her nauseating optimism is gone. I miss it. I miss her. Sometimes at night I can hear J listening to voicemails that she left for him. I feel like there is nothing more that I can do but lay down beside him and hold him while he cries. I wish I could do more.

There's a selfish part of me that wants to do more for J because I want him to get his life on track. In the fall I finally admitted aloud to my best friend that I didn't know how much longer I could stay with him if he wasn't going to move forward with his life. He stopped exercising completely, started to eat only junk unless I was going to cook for him and was completely void of any motivation to do anything other than watch golf on TV. I still wasn't sure what to do and then his mom died. I feel like I am still uncertain, but I have to be here for him now.

And if I am going to be here, then I want him to try harder.

A few weeks ago we were in the shower and when I looked up at him I could see boobs that would make women jealous. When he stretches his arms over his head, I can see his stomach sagging over his pant line. If there is one thing that my mother passed on, it is that obesity for the sake of being lazy is not okay. It doesn't attract me to him at all, and though he wants me physically now more than ever, I have a hard time wanting to be under, on top or next to that body in bed.

There was a time when I would grab his arms and tell him how much I loved them. When he would pick me up off the ground and carry me whimsically or I would jump up into his arms. He physically is not capable of carrying me for any amount of time and when I look at his back, I see extra folds.

I said in my last post that there is always a theme in my posts. The men of my past. Maybe it is because I immortalize them in my mind. They do not age. I only see their accomplishments when I stalk them online (and I am afraid I do kind of stalk them... how can you not want to see if they have a Facebook or LinkedIn account?). I don't see when they're acting like fuckups and when they fail. I only see their handsome faces smiling back at me through the screen which reminds me of the good times we had.

In there lies a problem. How do I stop immortalizing them? I can't lean over to the left and whack the right side of my head a few times or shake them out. But it is hard to let go of some of those life altering moments and move on with what you have. And what I have is good. I just can't recognize it.

I watch these shows on TV, or read my books (and no, not 50 Shades of Grey), and there are always these amazing sexy and thought provoking scenes. The one where you can see the look of passion and the moment that person fell in love, or re-in love. I used to have those moments. I had those times when the censor button would have to come on and porn stars would be envious at the show we could put on. But I don't anymore. Is it the fact that my boyfriend has gained 6 sizes and I am not finding him that attractive? Coupled with his lack of motivation and perpetual immaturity? Have we fallen in a rut with one another where those whimsical situation no longer happen? And when they do they are so seldom and so short lived that we are both left wondering what just happened and why?

Okay, time to rant a little more. I wish he was more mature. And I think that is something I miss about some of the others. I could hold a conversation with them about what is happening in today's world. But J isn't interested. He has no interest in picking up the newspaper or keeping in touch at all with current events. He says they depress him. He would much rather draw pictures on our mirror saying eat a banana today! with a picture of a person eating what looks like a crudely drawn penis. He would rather make 16 year old boy jokes which he still finds funny rather than grow up and join this world. These things were initially what attracted me to him. But that was 7 years ago. I have really changed in those 7 years and I need him to change, even just a little, with me. I have moved careers, and may be entering into part time management soon. He is having hard time moving above a waiting position, even though that is what he says he wants to do. Move up. But he doesn't seem to really want to move up. He doesn't look for jobs. I think he does the minimum amount for the one course he is taking. He doesn't complain all the time. He's good about that. But he doesn't do anything to change the situation he is in. For the past two months he has had an excuse, he really has. But the past 2 years? Not really. And I am getting really tired of living with a child with expensive taste and a pot smoking problem.

In so many ways I think he is better than me. He is compassionate, he is caring and loving beyond anyone I know. He deeps cares for people to the point where their pain hurts him (yes, I know, empathy). But in so many ways I think I am so much more. I need someone who can challenge me when I am talking about something. I need someone who can engage me. Someone who I don't worry about embarrassing me when we're out by making a crude joke. And I do get embarrassed when we go out sometimes. He just doesn't know when to stop sometimes.

It is one of these situations where I need to either accept what I have and who he is, or I really do need to move on. I don't think I could do that right now. But I don't know how much longer I can stay this unhappy, this unmotivated before it just becomes who I am. And I don't want to be that person.

Thanks Diaryland. I needed that.

6:52 p.m. - 2013-03-07

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