♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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Fuck it. I started this message this message stating how happy I am for J's friend. He got married today. I started saying how happy I am for him if that is what he wanted for the rest of his life, was about to say how supportive... blah, blah blah. The truth?

I would have rather worked on my apartment and drive around to several construction suppliers today.

Don't get me wrong. It was a nice wedding. Maybe they'll even make it. Maybe I'm jaded. I am quite certain that is not what I want in my life.

I am concerned though. I think that is what J may want.

Let's summarize.

When we started dating (almost 6 years ago), he was EXACTLY what I wanted. He was becoming a pilot, was in school in kinesiology and let me put an emphasis on he did not want to get married. In my mind then, and now, he was the package.

In today's reality, I am worried. I am pretty sure his sentiments have changed. I mean, he has not become a pilot, he did not finish his degree. He does not know what he wants to do and he hardly has prospects. On top of that, I think he would consider marrying me.

If anyone reads this, you are probably thinking what is wrong with wanting to get married?

I am ready to say it out loud. I am not certain he is the one for me. Yep. There you are. I just don't know. He loves me SOO much. He doesn't want anyone else. It's me. I am it.

But what about what I want? Granted, I am not sure exactly what it is I want. But I want someone who can support me with their word rather than being someone who is driven by emotion which is misguided. I want someone who can provide for me when I can't (which I always do). I want someone who can help out with the daily chores around the house. And if I am going all the way, I want someone who can contribute all of their being each day without complaining about an ailment which gets in the way.

Quite frankly I am tired of the excuses and about why nothing gets done. I am frustrated with the reliance on my minimal expertise. I want someone who will try and fail and try again rather than someone who will not try at all.

Can he change? Oh how I hope so. Do I think so? That I am still not ready to admit.

I look at him and still think he is attractive. I see his eyes and still find myself lost. But then I compare him, and I wonder. Is this what I want? I love his eyes, yes. I question his body. I see him next to friends, even stangers, and am not sure what I want. He satisfies me, but I am SO attracted to other men. I just want to run into a closet with them and maybe not even get their number at the end.

That's the truth wrapped in a rough shell. How much have I drank today? A ton. Perhaps I am still drunk and my perception is off. I really hope so. But I don't think it is.

12:45 a.m. - 2012-09-02

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