♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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the wild west emotions

This weekend, I went away with my dad. We got out on the water for a few days. I saw the same people as usual - but to launch into it right away, I met someone new. Apparently he's been part of the club for awhile now, though this is the first time we met. When I first saw him, I thought he was with his girlfriend. It turns out that he decided to fly in from Calgary for the week to visit his parents. He had a full sleeve tattoo, others to match, and multiple piercings. My dad said he looked like a rough guy based on his tattoos... of course. This was the allure for me.

The reason we got to know each other was because we went to explore this decommissioned ferry. It was really eerie. There were four of us that went. By the time we got back to the docks, we had a story that bonded us all together. That night, we all had a few too many beers and called it a night. The next day we all took off to the ferry again for further exploration. The two of us decided to scour the crew quarters together and talked a little, not much. The boys found some universal safety suits, bright orange. They were for the emergency life boats on board (please remember the ferry was decommissioned, we weren't leaving anyone stranded!!). At dinner that night, a few of the boys donned their suits, inside out (which was silver like tin foil) and he wore his orange side out with inmate numbers drawn on the back.

Again - we all had a few too many beers, wine. Whatever. While I was sitting at the fire, he asked if I wanted to come with his to pull up his crab trap. What a line, right? But I'm a sucker for these things and he told me I had to be the designated driver since he drank too much. So I grabbed my rain gear and a hat and we set off in his dinghy to retrieve the traps. He ended up driving since I didn't feel like it. I knew before I even stepped foot on the boat that I was acting like an idiot. I went anyway. As we pushed off the dock, I said goodbye to a friend on the VHF and let him know I would call in once we were on the other side of the bay.

We cracked a couple of beers and hit the seas. He said a cheers and then mentioned something about me being amazing. He is one of these people who always says "I love you, bro" and "dude, I love you". It wasn't uncommon for him to say the same to me but with the word "sweetheart" instead of bro. "Your amazing girl, I'm really happy I met you guys, I love you." I brushed it off with a smile and sentence about knowing how awesome I am. He is so self-confident and really just says what comes to mind. He had a huge hole in the crotch of the survival suit and joked about how it wasn't caused by a raging erection or anything. Both of us were more than tipsy by the time we got to the traps. He lifted it, and got 5 crabs. All keepers. While casting off he almost threw himself backwards into the water. I was laughing so hard and he was dismayed by my lack of eagerness to help, but he was attracted to my strength. That I wouldn't scream and act like I couldn't help, I would laugh and then lend a hand. I could also tell he found it oddly sexy that I knew how to lift huge crabs out of traps without getting pinched. The whole way back he kept joking with me and telling me I was his good luck girl.When we got back to his boat, he stripped off his belt and told me I had to watch it while he went into the head. He continued to shed off his universal suit on his way down there (he had full clothing on under). What a ploy to get my eyes on him - it worked.

After cleaning the crabs, we walked back up to the fire. Tons of people were up there having a great time. By this point, he had enough beers to be brazen enough to put his hand on the small of my back. He really is that type who know himself and knows what he wants. Once everyone started dancing, he was determined to get me to dance with him. He even tried to pick he up off the bench. I had to grab the rafter of the deck roof so he couldn't carry me to where everyone was dancing. Not that I minded this, I was certainly enjoying his attention. Eventually, he realized how much he drank and swerved his way back down to his boat where he eventually passed out for the night.

All of this leads me here. I found this man so goddamn attractive. His body, his face, his sense of humour and self-confidence. I was standing facing the fire, and he came right up behind me and grabbed me by the waist. I moved, after a few seconds, knowing that what I was doing was wrong. But I also moved because there was so much electricity that I knew if I didn't do something at that precise moment, there was no going back. When he grabbed by waist, he pressed himself tight up against me and I don't even know what he said, but it made me feel a surge of excitement and passion that I forgot I had. I found it so attractive that he would just take what he wanted, and that what was me. He pressed his body up against mine and with everyone there, but knowing that people are too self-centered to focus on others, he brushed his lips against the side of my neck. I could hardly contain myself and had to move. I talked to another person.

When I eventually made it back to my own room, I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared into my hazel eyes and tried to recognize the person I was looking at - she was a stranger. This desire for passion, excitement, danger... it all overtook me. I asked myself in the mirror, "if he does this again tomorrow, and I go for it, will I forgive myself? Will I be able to go back home and crawl into my own bed with J?" For years now, a subtle reminder that there is someone at home waiting for me has directed my moral compass in the right direction. I was amazed, and disgusted with myself, when my answer came back "yes". I slept for a mere few hours last night thinking about this mystery man from Calgary, and how his bold presence has made me question the status of my relationship. I hardly saw him this morning, it was pouring and my dad and I left for him. It was for the best, for if he took me on that dinghy again, I do not know what my fate would have been.

The whole ride home I thought of this man. He has plagued my every thought. When I got to the train to go home, a man actually stopped me and said I looked like I had too many decisions to make. That I needed to go home and take it easy tonight. Honest to God, someone stopped me while I was running the story through my head from start to finish.

I still don't know what this means. I know it means I'm an extremely shitty person. I don't deserve what I have. I am giving myself some small credit for actually backing out and not letting myself succumb to the overwhelming emotions.

All I know is this - there is a man out there who publicly would grab my waist and pull me to him, tell me I was amazing, toss me like a rag doll and brush his lips against my next like they were the wind... and I can't get him out of my head.

12:40 a.m. - 2012-05-22

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