♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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Retreating into myself again

This isn�t what I wanted to feel. I went off the anti-d�s so I could feel alive again. When I initially stopped taking them- now months ago- I felt like a child again. It was like I was experiencing all these great emotions for the first time. It had been so long since I wasn�t taking medication I felt numb. So often the happiness I felt was- how can I put it?- artificial. Don�t get me wrong, most times my happiness I think is sincere. But there are a lot of times when I felt like I should be happy, so I conjured up the emotion and applied it to myself like I would mascara. When I stopped taking the meds I was genuinely feeling emotions, I felt like I was progressing through life the way nature intended. Lately though, it�s been hard. I want to be alone. But when I�m alone, I do not want to be with myself. So I play music, watch movies, tv shows, anything except for something productive. Lately I haven�t even been crafting. Nothing.

I don�t want to retreat into myself. I�ve been putting J on the back burner so much lately. I had an IUD inserted a couple weeks ago and the anti-anxiety pills they gave me made me hallucinate something fierce. I was in pain, with dark hallucinations of geese flying away with my uterus and J took care of me all through the night. To pay him back I�ve seen him twice, maybe three times. I think part of me is still upset that he got blitzed on Halloween even though he promised he wouldn�t. I told him that if he got wasted and started acting like an ass I was going to leave him behind. And I did just that. I got into a cab with K and I went home. The next day he couldn�t tell his elbow from his ass and didn�t remember anything or why I would be so mad at him. Even though it has been a month, I think I�m still harnessing a lot of resentment towards that evening. Since then, I�ve had a lot of problems being intimate with him and haven�t wanted to be near him, quite frankly. I wish I could let this go because I know that even if he gets periodically wasted and acts like a jerk, he is the best person in the world with the warmest and biggest heart. He treats me so well (when he�s not drunk) and loves me so much despite all the stupid shit I do. Then when he does one thing, I hold on to it and won�t let it go.

K�s boyfriend moved back home, she�s absolutely devastated so I�ve been spending a lot of time with her lately. She doesn�t want me to feel bad for her, so I will say I don�t feel bad but my heart certainly goes out to her. We have spent most weekends together just hanging out, watching movies or me feeding her lots of beer/wine so she forgets about the ache. I have to say, being with her is one thing that makes me forget about how void I am feeling these days in other facets of my life. It feels good to know that I am able to be there for her and help her through this time. It isn�t often that I feel I can give back and I certainly feel I am in this case.

11:04 a.m. - 2010-11-29

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