♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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mad madam mim

i am cooked, done, finished, fried, tried, and exhausted.

i still am doing my thank you note a day. it's been, i think, 11 in total now. i'd post the link, but that would finish me for any anonymity i think i have in this online world. i've been thanking various people and elements, trying to focus on the good in some days. i found on the 31st i had no good news, and pretty much made something up. but overall, i am finding something in my day to be grateful for. it's nice, you know, focusing on the positive. but goddamn, it is hard some days. today is just one of those days.

right now my boss, Mi is off on maternity leave. i really like Mi. we get along really well to the point we are not just colleagues anymore, we are friends. we would sit and chat for 20-30 minutes sometimes just about whatever was happening in our lives.

Mi has been gone all of 2 months, in her place, we have mad, mad, mad, mad, madam mim (sword in the stone reference anyone?). she is a tyrant, she is rude, mean, crass, unfriendly, and overall, a bad person. i feel like she has unraveled me from the inside out. i have been doing so well on a personal level. so well. i don't smoke weed anymore, i don't drink for sport. i think i've had one drink on my own in the past month. i used to knock back 4-6 beers some nights. don't get me wrong, this wasn't always the case, but it was getting pretty bad for awhile. it has taken awhile, but i hardly want to smoke weed anymore, i hardly want to drink, well, except for today.

it isn't even that madam mim has done anything to me today. it's the sheer fact that she's here, in my space, that i've worked so hard to make mine. she yells at the secretary, she oversteps the AD, then has the audacity to call herself professional.

yesterday i couldn't take it anymore, i had to leave halfway through the day. i was so tired of everything i made myself sick from nerves. i felt awful waking up, i felt awful coming to work, then i felt infinitely sicker once i thought i'd have to work with her on a project. i had to leave.

so today. oh today. again, i thought i might have to work with her. i couldn't take it anymore. i went into the AD's office and laid it out how horrible everything has been.

important notice- she is on her last warning and will be let go if anything goes wrong. so it's not just my way of thinking, she's been an overall problem for the office.

so i went in there and just told him everything. i couldn't close the floodgates once they opened. i'm glad i did it, i think he appreciated hearing it from me, but i just feel so open and vulnerable now that i've really put my feelings out there. i didn't want to be involved, i really didn't. but i just couldn't take it anymore. anyway, now i'm just dealing with the pressure of trying to still feel good while wanting to have a good stiff drink and pretending that everything is okay in the office.

2:04 p.m. - 2010-06-02

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