♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i can't do this anymore...

what if J does move to poland? what am i going to do? i'm laying in bed right now listening to my heartbeat and i am thinking about him. i know that i can see him tomorrow... smell him, touch him, kiss him. what if that goes away? what if he moves across the universe and leaves me? maybe this is karma. maybe this is a god's way of saying there, you finally got what you deserved. i fell down that rabbit hole i spoke of over a year ago, and now it all might be taken away from me.
i don't know how to cope without J anymore. every decision i make he is in my mind. i think of him and what he would think of my decision. i consult him on whether or not i should dye my hair, or if i look good. he always says i do, even if i'm a mess.
he bought me flowers, he buys me random shirts when we go out, and always makes me feel loved. even when i'm mad at him it's because i know i love him.
i know it's not fair to say i can't live without him, or to say that i don't want him to leave. but as K put it today, selflessness is over-rated. i can't think of a week passing by without being in his embrace. i can't think of a day going by without hearing his voice. i can't imagine a day of me being happy without knowing he's by my side.
i've never felt this way about anyone before. i've never felt such despair and helplesness. he has made me so much stronger and makes me feel like i can take on the weight of the world, even when i think it is crushing me.

god- if your there. please help me. please provide me the strength to deal with this situation. please don't take away the love of my life. i need him. he is like the blood the courses the veins in my body. the air that fills my lungs. without him, i'm nothing.

3:15 a.m. - 2008-03-24

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next