♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
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okay, i think i really need to do this because it's 1:30 in the morning and i have so much swirling through my head. i swear to god if anyone reads this they are going to know every detail about my life in 5 minutes flat. not even that because i just want to pound this out as quick as the thoughts come in my head.
i met this 30 something year old named A when i was in halifax. it's not that i like A, he's a friend that i will keep in touch with over the internet, but there is nothing there on my side... it's all J. anyway. A writes articles for social justice liberalists and sent me an article to proof read for him. this is why i like to talk to him because we can talk about the HIV problem in brazil or africa and halifax possibly shutting down a series of schools. poverty and government it all rolls into one ball of msn snow. this just makes me think of the economic situation of this world and our government in this so called democratic society. so i have this on my head.
i went in for a breast reduction on monday. personal i know, but here goes. there was a complication... a couple hours later when i was at home a burst an artery in my right breast and started to bleed internally. so i had to be rushed in for emergency sugery and have it corrected. i lost a lot of blood in the first surgery and more in the second so i have been pretty weak. i've also been pretty sore because i've been through 2 surgeries in a day. not to mention under general anesthetic. i am healing well now and i think i am well on my way but it brings me back to when i had my ankle surgery and how scared i was of the stitches. it's like i don't have enough faith in human skin and it's elasticity. i have this fear when the home care nurse comes tomorrow the stitches are going to tear apart or i'm going to have something happen. it's not rational. it goes well beyond rational and to the point where i have tears in my eyes thinking about it. then again, i still have tears in my eyes when i think about my ankle ordeal.
another thing, while i was in the hospital i was reading through my birth records. i mean, i was born in that hospital and so i figured it was really mine to read. well, my mom was sitting beside me and while we were reading she saw that she has a blood coagulation problem. which means that all of her blood starting clotting within her body. she had to undergo a blood transplant immediately.
the awful part, 4 months later my mom was diagnosed with a terrible blood disorder which would not have available treatment until few years past. so many things are going through my mind with this. how did they not tell her that she went through this? she knew that she had to be rushed into surgery NOW but she was not aware of the condition she had. this could effect other surgeries that she will have in her life and it also affected the quality of her life until up to a year ago when she found out that her illness was cured. approximately 30% of blood in the 80's was contaminated and she may have been one of those people. the other thing going through my mind which is silly and selfish is omg my birth may have contributed to this. i know that this is also not rational but now at 1:45 in the morning a lot of things are running through my head that aren't rational. this one really tops the cake though. she's asked for copies of her medical transcriptions and i really really really hope that this can give her closure. or you know, sue the shit of the hospital. oh dea, i sound american. now life in the future... i keep thinking about moving out. i want to move back east because all of my friends here are moving and i keep thinking i'll be left all alone. i would love to move to halifax and be with my family and start fresh there and have no one know a thing about me. but i am afraid to make the move now.
here are the reasons:
J
J
J
J
J
J
moving across the country
can you see a theme? unless J does pack up and go to poland, which i'm seeing less and less every day, then i cannot move across the country. i do not think he will move because it is going to be another year before he could get there, and i think he will lose his courage. i can think of so many things that he would be brilliant as:
doctor
pilot
bookstore owner
secret operative *cross between james bond and mr bean*
resteraunt owner
architect the list goes on. but i don't see his passion for one thing. he has a little passion for a lot of things. and this concerns me. if i do move out, i want him to be there, ALL THE TIME, well, if he doesn't get out of where he is then how are we supposed to be together? the answer we just are can't always cut it. not when society expects so much money out of us. i hate that this is a big issue for us, but it is, he's older and he has no drive. he thinks he does and then he backs down as fast as he came up with it.
i hate saying that. i absolutely hate it for two reasons:
he is so good to me and i love him
it's true
J is so good to me. i love him with all my heart and i want to wake up next to him every day and go to sleep with him everynight, but without the financial commitment or even the committment to something except me, how can we do that? the beatles say "all you need is love" but it's not the 60's anymore. i love him and i do believe it's 99.999999999% of what we need but there is that little bit more.
i guess my last rant is i can't sleep and it's driving me crazy
1:28 a.m. - 2008-03-22
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