♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
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I did a bad thing
why is it everytime i have a shot at a real relationship where i am happy and content i sabotage myself? i feel like everytime i ruin my chances at being happy and posibly on purpose.
this weekend i went out with K to the bar i used to work at. everything was good, we met up with some old friends and were having a blast. that is, until i encountered my old boss. i knew that i shouldn't give in to the temptation of him, but i did. about 7 tequila shots and 6 beers later, i found myself in his office succumbing to his retched allure. after it was over (and for my own satisfaction i can say it was over quickly) i left within 30 seconds. and he called me on it.
now, i am an awful person for saying this, however, i am not going to tell J. I can't. i came to this decision after approximately 2 seconds of thought and i am staying with it. i told K and she agrees that this way i am preserving the relationship. last night i was pretty shaken up. i couldn't fall asleep easily even though i took my sleeping meds and smoked weed just to knock myself out.
i want to tell him so bad, but i don't deserve him if i do tell him. there is nothing i could ever do to redeem myself. i could argue it wasn't fully consentual, but i think that would be a lie. even though i was heavily influenced by alcohol, i can't say that i didn't give consent. there was some form of it there. i can't believe i would betray J like that. i love him so much, and i have such a sick feeling in my stomach whenever i think of that atrocious act. i know with time i will repress it, but it doesn't mean it didn't happen.
i have this unbelievable ability to transfer facts to the back of my mind and they only come forward with certain acts or emotions. like when i was molested by the taxi driver. i just don't think about it anymore. i realized that if i thought about it, i wouldn't be happy. i can't think about that night or my head hurts and my body shakes. i have the same feeling when i think about what i did on saturday. that is where my decision not to tell J spawned from.
i understand it's not fair to J not to tell him. however when i think about whether or not i would want him to tell me... i don't think i would. i would want to live in ignorance.
8:38 a.m. - 2008-02-04
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