♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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almost 50 days since my last entry.

i went to nova scotia for christmas and visited all of my family. i've missed them so much, i just kept crying and crying. it was all because it was all so sentimental to me. if it wasn't so meaningful i would have cried because on the west coast with everything so familiar and busy.

i am still togehter with j. i think he is absolutely incredible with a great sense of humor and for a lack of better words, adores me. i do not quite grasp the concept of someone have that much geniune interest in me, and my personality, my looks, my integrity and it goes on.
on my side i do not feel that i am up to par for the course he has set. not only because of what goes on with me behind closed doors, but because i don't feel the same way towards him... yet.

i've always felt that someone you love is someone you want to be with everyday. is someone who you want to talk to when things go wrong. when the mere thought of that person makes you smile every time.
i don't feel that way. not yet anyway. i don't see us ending any time soon, and i do smile when i think of him, a lot. then i think about mark. and knowing that mark is prohibiting me from feeling that much closer to jay makes me feel down. however, the mere thought of mark, and me memories of him make me smile. a lot. when i was in nova scotia, i saw him one lone day. that was my best day of 2006. we didn't do anything, we were completely platonic.
we smoked some west coast weed, we sat in the living room and we listened to xavier rudd. but i was with him.

i don't feel that way about j. and it makes me doubt myself in this relationship. i look at him and i see mark. i listen to him laugh, and i can hear marks laugh. the two bear no resemblence to eachother in the least.

work is going well i guess. i can't say that it is great, but nor is it dull. i'm still learning a lot of the details. but i don't feel a passion in it. i don't feel like i have a direct impact on the people we treat and that because of that i am not working to my full potential.

i have decided to finish my coursework for march. i took a short break from my schooling to regain my sanity. and they are still allowing me to finish my program.

11:04 p.m. - 2007-01-16

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