♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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Shit.

Right when I feel my life stitching itself back together all the seams are torn back apart. I've decided that I'm going home for Christmas and New Years this year, I'm going to go spend it with my family. Go see some old friends, have a great time and all will be well. This is until I changed my instant messenger screen name to "I'm coming home for Christmas".

Does anyone out there have a group that they just name "other"? All the misc. people who you hardly have any contact with go in that group because you don't want to delete them. Well, Mark is in that group. I didn't even think, stupid stupid stupid. So here's me, I get home from drum lessons, flip up the screen on my computer and see an instant message from him. OH MY GOD YOU'RE COMING HOME?!?!?! Then it goes off about his new place and the wood burning stove, and all his new music equipment and how we're going to get together. I think I laid flat on my back on my bed for 30 minutes staring at the ceiling.

I'm with J now, I gave up on the hope that I would be with the greatest love of my life. I decided with what would satisfy me, and J can. Mark is this beauty that defies nature and and it's allies. My chest aches and it hurts to breathe. Some may think I'm overly dramatic about these things, however, I'm more worried about love than I am worried about finding a job.

I know I have to make a decision. I'm going to be home in 43 days. In that time I have to decide if I want to be with J, and detatch myself from the person that is Mark. Or should I possibly pre-maturely end things with J, to persue what could be only 2 days with Mark? If Mark is true then we will run into eachother again, correct? It's been three and a half years. Maybe it's one of those events that are ground shaking that I can speak of when I'm 60 with grandchildren.

11:32 p.m. - 2006-11-08

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