♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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My heart aches, and my eye lids are raw from rubbing at them. I miss my family more than anything. I walked into my old room today, and there it was. My photo album from christmas I spent with my family. One of the last times I saw them. They threw me a welcome home party and they had one of those homemade signs that you have on a wall somewhere. I sat on my childhood bed and cried.

My family is one of those eclectic kinds, where everyone is different and clashes but when we come together as a whole, we're all the same and matched. The choice was mine to stay here, and I regret it every day. Everyday I wake up and there is something that reminds me of home. Sometimes it might be the way the light hits the water, or the way the air smells. It's been 8 years since my grandpa passed away and 5 years for my grandma. I love them so much, they were the most awesome people I knew. I have a photo with my grandpa, and I'm just a tiny little thing... he's laying on his back holding me up in the air and we're just looking at eachother. My Grandma was amazing at painting, I have a painting of a lake, I picked it out when I was little, and I picked it out for the ducks. When I was little she told me I could pick out one painting, and when she passed away I could have it. I picked the one with the damn ducks. She was so talented, and I admired her abilities so much. I took moose (the dog, a chihuahua) for walks to the mailbox a mile away and I would pick all the little tiny flowers and bring them home so she could dry them out and put them in her dollhouses.
I miss Lisa and they way we would walk around and we got along so well. We could talk about guys, fashion, family and we're not eeven blood related. Going swimming up at the cabin, and smoking pot with david on our magical canoe rides. All those black flies, we don't have them on the west coast. Those buggers follow you and wait when you go underwater. Not only do they bite you, but they take a chunk out of you. I surely don't miss those.
I miss Markis. I miss our 'bubble', we were sitting in the Halifax Harbour, talking about philosophy, religion, politics, everything, and he turned to me and said, "I feel like we're in our own little bubble, our own little world where no one else is around, nothing else matters, we're just here right now." I think I knew I loved him at that point. I know I passed up the opportunity to be with him. I did it to be here on the other coast. I miss hearing his philosophy about living in the now, not living for the future and worrying about the past. Je tought me what it was like to love everyone and everything. The difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
I wish I could see him now, and tell him how I love him so much it hurts, that everytime I look at his picture my heart feels like its swelling and putting pressure on my chest. It makes my hands shake and my eyes water.

5:04 p.m. - 2006-07-31

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