♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
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How is it possible to loathe someone so much, and be undeniably in love with them at the same time?
Last friday i was so mad, frustrated to the point where tears were running the length of my cheeks. My iron will had finally broke and I deleted him. Every word he ever sent sent me, any indication there was ever a relationship of any sort. gone. As the last shred of his identity had left, that being the number in my phone, I felt empowered, I felt really damn good.
Jump ahead to Sunday. A text message. Lets have lunch, I bought you something in Mexico and forgot to give it to you. A bit of ranting and me air-screaming to the beat of the radio, i hit reply, telling him about my plans of attending the boat show and that i could NOT have lunch with him. A phone call. 15 minutes of witty banter between the two of us on marketing ideas and skill sets. Then, the mexican present. "I thought you'd look gorgeous in it, so I bought it for you".
Promises of phoning, monday OR tuesday, all of my insecurities had melted away and a feeling of calm spread over me. Just like that.
It's Tuesday now, a bit after 3pm. I look at my week schedule, determined that I will not deny myself the pleasure of someone else's company because i'm waiting for him. As I pen in another plan, another appointment or meeting, I am watching this weeks time span close in fast. Sunday. I have Sunday. I glance at my cell, hoping that red indicator light will be on.
Nothing. It's times like this when I realize. I'm so lost with him, and I'm so lost without him.
I've never had anyone who chases away my demons. Who has consoled me when I have nightmares to this day. I prefer not to be comforted by most people and in most situations, I'd rather suffer through it on my own.
I long for him to console me though, on those days when I'm all alone and holding my knees in my arms. I long for his touch when something wakes me up at night and I'm scared.
He can't do that for me though. I'm still too afraid to ask the questions that will hurt me more. The whole is this going to be a relationship, or is this going to end up with me tremendously hurt by his need to sleep with other people.
I don't even know if there is that need. It's my worst fear though.
2:58 p.m. - 2006-02-14
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