♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you

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well, 8:16am. so far i've accomplished buying two XL coffees, kind-of attempted to make my hair look nice, and i've dragged my ass to the office. sounds like a fun huh?
so last night i'm watching the news, and their showing "real life fight clubs". what first started out as a craze in england (of COURSE they set the bar), it was 'fun & games' you know, hitting people in the head with a piece of wood, or videotaping them and then randomly slapping them across the face. sound like good times? it gets better. Last night in nova scotia, it was caught on someones cell-phone camera, a 6 person beat-down on some innocent person. after they kicked the shit out of the person, they uploaded the image from their camera onto the net for everyone to see. this is happening more and more. i'm sitting there, horrified at the images that i'm seeing, and my dads kind of giggling the way you would if you were watching jackass, the movie. that's fine, laugh now at stupid random shit happening. just wait though, somewhere in detroit or north carolina your going to see a reporter telling the story of how it was a joke gone too far, because england sets the bar, canada follows to look good and the americans think... well if england started it, and we hate tony blair, we might as well show them all up by killing someone.
so maybe it won't quite happen like that, i know there are some americans who read my blog, and i dont mean it as american bashing. but realistically, you gotta upstage england. it's just history repeating itself again.

i'm going to try to make an appt to go rock-climbing tonight. i want to feel the muscles in my arms, and i want my legs to ache. just to feel something physical. i've been going for runs pretty much every day, socializing with people from the office, but, i haven't done anything lately with any of my friends. steve and i are nothing, and i'm working on accepting that fact. i feel like i'm just here, serving no purpose. before, there were always people around me, someone who i could literally lean on, and have them wrap their arms around me. --> steve.
in a sense i guess i'm trying to to convince myself that i was nothing and he was everything to me. it makes everything seem a little better if i think more bright if i think about it that way.
i found a way to describe how i feel about this. and it's very asd once i've said it outloud to myself... but i am so used to being used by all these men that come and go in my life, that it seems better to have been used again than to think that i lost something that was genuinely wonderful.
i guess i'm not getting my valentine roses this year.

8:43 a.m. - 2006-02-10

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