♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
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when will we stop denying outselves of the pleasures we deperately seek? unleash those deep dark secrets that we all have? what if we could have what we always sought? would the world be better for it?
I'd like to achieve some supreme understanding of the events that have unfolded over the past couple months. But in order for this to take place, i have to force my brain to slow down. essentially, to chill the fuck out.
yesterday, i told myself, just keep moving, if you don't you'll never achieve success. A couple days ago, i'm running the sea wall, looking over west vancouver, point grey, i kept telling myself if i don't keep running i'll never be there.
i've become obsessed lately. i don't measure my success by my academic standing anymore. nor by the status of my job. i only measure my personal success by how much pain i can put my body through. i run until i almost faint, i starve myself until i'm shaking and feel sick from the repulsive acids in my stomach. and yet, i don't stop. i can't stop.
what are the driving forces inside my head that tell me it's okay to do this to myself?
i'm half the size... half the woman i used to be. and though everyone can see the physical changes. and though the issues have been brought up, i'm not ready to 'unleash' my darkest secret.
i often think to myself what i'd be like if i chose the treatment route. if i ditched the red beaded bracelet and accepted my fate like everyone else. it's funny, i think would steve still be around? then i ask myself: is steve ever around? does he understand my ill fate?
what would kim say if she knew? her being the shrink in training, she'd analyze me to the point of no return. telling me i can reverse my way of thinking.
that's the largest obstacle. changing the way i think. my perception of myself and reality.
10:41 a.m. - 2005-12-31
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