♥ ♥ ♥ Sometimes I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you
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long entry...
i keep coming online and reading everyone else's blog, however i never come online to write in my own, i've been dwelling in silence, contemplating every thing that i've been doing, and wondering what half of it means.
in a sense i'm acting like rene descartes, and i never wanted to be all philosophical, but i'm finding it hard not to be. i'm lonely, i have good friends, like kim, who allows me to make mistakes, and laughs at me when i do, but supports me for making my own decisions. then there is celina and shauni, celina doesn't even want me going to my old coffee shop because she says it evokes old emotions for ben, and blah blah blah.
why can't i go to my coffee shop? i've been going there for years, and no one bugged me. no i have not gotten over ben, but that's only when i think about the good times, and believe me, there more i look at it there are a lot of bad times to go with it. and whenever i think about those bad times i know that ben and i should never be together, and i know that he knows that. however we are going dog shopping for him tomorrow, and i'm kind of nervous about doing that. i offered to help him move today because i didn't know if he had a lot to move or not. and then he said that he didn't have much(i knew he wouldn't accept my help, that's kind of why i offered) and then he turned around and asked me if i wanted to go dog shopping with him tomorrow. i don't want to go with him... but puppies...! girls are always suckers for puppies, not our fault, it's inlaid.
school is going to kick my ass... majorly. i'm already behind, though i'm trying desperately to catch up, and then i have all these projects, i have a group project that i'm not interested in doing, but i know i have to do well on it because i bombed my bio quiz today. it was really really hard. i think that i'm trying harder than usual too, that's the bad part. yes, i'm slacking off, but i'm also going to the library, showing up early for school and studying, studying at work, i'm trying! so why am i so lacking? i'm not drinking every night... i'm not smoking pot, though i could use a joint more than anything in the world. i know i don't have to depend on drugs, sex and alcohol to have a good time, but i could really use drugs, just go out of my mind and then sleep... for a really long time. i really just want about 14 hours of sleep a day. i'm always so tired. i try to go to sleep early, and then when i'm talking to my parents and tell them how tired i am they tell me that i'm out too late.
hmmm
interesting.
considering most nights i'm home, unless i go to work which ends at 8pm. so i don't see how i can be awake all night when all i'm doing is reading in my room. i'm not awake... i am sleeping, and i'm getting lots of sleep, but i just always feel tired.
okay, this rambling is starting to make no sense. oh well, no one reads this shit anyway, and if there is anyone... i pitty you.
i dream about markis. i miss him so much it isn't even funny. now that i'm single, i daydream about him more than ever. his body, his face, sense of humor, beliefs... i miss him! maybe i'll send him a random email. then i can get off of here and stop with my excessive writings.
4:21 p.m. - 2005-01-26
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